Beautiful Day

I'm very proud of myself. I just spent the last half of my lunch hour
walking the trail outside my work.

Though I did it to get more exercise, today is the perfect day for it.
Sunny, blue skies. Warm (maybe a little too warm, but I'm not
complaining). The lake water was clear and clean. The air smelled good
(the bats are gone). The trail wasn't ridiculously crowded. People
were out with their dogs (who were all cute and well behaved).
Sweet-smelling flowers are in bloom. All in all, a beautiful spring
day. In February, but I digress.

I almost lazed out and didn't go. I'm so glad I did (but I gotta bring
more comfortable shoes next time).

It reminded me of being in college and skipping class cuz it was *such*
a nice day outside and how could you honestly be expected to go to
class, anyway? I don't know if I realized then how good I had it. I didn't of
course, I don't think you can, really. But I'm glad I made use of those
days, and this one too, when I could.

Free stuff is good

I just won a $25 Visa Gift Card on blingo. Isn't that cool?

I could say here that I never win anything, but that's not entirely
true. I won a free trip to Jamaica a few years back. Okay, so maybe 25
bucks isn't quite as impressive as a free trip, but I love and
appreciate them both the same.

So sign up through me using that link above or the one on the side. I
signed up from some random person's blog and now she won 25 bucks too.

Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to spend it...

I need to start eating more yogurt

This is the phrase that went through my head earlier today. It made me pause.

It's just one more thing that I need to do in order to look after my health, which is already starting to go south (at the tender age of 32):
My blood pressure is creeping upward to the point where the doc is talking
medication (which immediately prompted me to stop going to the doctor); A (non-serious, but definitely troubling) brain tumor; My inability to return to my 'fighting weight;' My lack of energy and general sloth-like level of activity day in and day out.

But it's all abstract. I *feel* fine and I've always been healthy as a horse (except this year, when I got bronchitis. Or something. I, of course, never went to a doctor so I don't know for sure).

Plus, I hate to exercise. Going to the gym seems to me the highest exercise in pointlessness ( I go to a big room full of machines in order to expend a lot of energy and get absolutely nowhere?). Of course running hurts my knees and back (and is generally unpleasant). I'm too much of a homebody to go out for a *team* sport (plus I invariably flashback to my school days where I generally sucked at sports. Except kickball. I've never been very comfortable with my physical prowess, or lack thereof).

The only sport I ever liked and could actually envision myself doing is rowing, and there is a rowing club here but... oh, I don't know, see all of the above (and it is kind of pricey, alas).

But I've got to do something. I've got to find some way to motivate myself in getting off my butt (in all areas of my life) or I'm going to
find myself bitter and miserable (too late!)...

Georgie Porgie

I just caught a Where's George bill! How exciting! it came all the way
from the great state of Missouri!

Okay, maybe it's not *that* exciting (I am easily amused, after all),
but it is kind of cool.

LCD Soundsystem Quote of the Day

"I heard you have a compilation of every good song ever done by
anybody."

from: Losing My Edge

But That's Okay

Cuz my new favorite obscure British band is now "Clinic."

www.myspace.com/clinicvoot

Beta Band Omega

Why is it that as soon as I discover a cool 'new' band, they're ready to break up?

I'm sure I'm the last to know, but The Beta Band has broken up.

And so it goes...

Night Fever

I find myself staying up later and later these days and getting less and less accomplished. I'm not really sure why.

Oh, wait. I know why. Avoidance, anyone?

Best Album Cover Ever

Found this on Wikipedia today when I got curious as to the origins of
the phrase "Ghost in the Machine."

One of the book's central concepts is that as the human brain has grown, it has built upon earlier more primitive brain structures, and that these are the "ghost in the machine" of the title. Koestler's theory is that at times these structures can overpower higher logical functions, and are responsible for hate, anger and other such destructive impulses.

Interesting, no?

Whiskey Tango Delta

If the universe is trying to tell me something, I am sooo confused!

The number-one thing on my mind these days is my job situation. I am really at a loss so I'm constantly turning it over in my mind, trying to figure out the best course of action.

Yesterday in ethics class, the concept of loyalty came up, as in to whom do you owe your loyalty, conflicting loyalties, etc. The discussion landed on 'loyalty to an employer' and specifically, what loyalty do you owe to your employer if something better comes along, even if you're not particularly unhappy. Say if you get offered more money elsewhere or you have ambitions your current employer can't meet.

The class generally held that, 'hey, you owe greater loyalty to yourself.' Plus, in today's corporate world, your employer doesn't really have many obligations to you as an employee. Why would you be loyal to someone who isn't (as) loyal to you? Today's employers kind of take it for granted that you'll leave for greener pastures if/when the time comes so, go for it.

Surprisingly, the prof seemed a little taken aback -- what about the training they gave you, what if they hired you without any experience, etc. -- at the class (mostly kids younger than me) attitude.

Yesterday, I was like, 'hmm, this is a sign.'

But now today, I was reviewing an article for work that cautioned against 'job-hopping' if you are trying to move up/get more money. The
recommendation there was, ask for what you want (good advice), job-hopping shouldn't be your first move.

So, no, I guess *this* is a sign.

Do you see now why I can't make a bloody decision? The universe
is not helping...

On Anger

It just occurred to me that I hold a lot of anger in.

Oh, who am I kidding? I hold all of it in.

Why? It's purely a defense mechanism, I've just realized. If people
don't know what bothers me, they won't be able to 'get' to me. Plus, I
get to be above it all and don't have to descend into the fray.

It's silly, isn't it? After all, I do much more harm to myself by
keeping all that hurt and anger inside (high blood pressure, anyone?).
My job, my dad. Just two more recent examples of anger that I carry
around mutely with no intention of dealing with at all.

or, reason #167 why I can't sleep...

From the BBC

I noticed this sentence in an article on the BBC web site today:

> Greenpeace welcomed the decision as a "victory for Indian workers" and those who work in ship-breaking.

Isn't 'ship-breaking' an excellent term? It's positively Shakespearean. The reverse of Elvis Costello's "Shipbuilding," I suppose.

Fiesta!

I was so busy wallowing in the Bitterness Fiesta yesterday (Thanks, TWOP!) that I forgot to mention the DH got me something for Valentine's Day.

Of course, I'd already told him that I didn't feel like celebrating and that he didn't need to get me anything (which of course meant that I didn't get him anything), but it was sweet nonetheless.

A red rose and a box of chocolates. Awww!

Reason #42 Why I Can't Sleep

I've complained before about my job, but now I'm being forced to confront certain things and I don't know what to do.

Up until now, I worked in a three-person department. The guy in charge of the department has been there for nearly 20 years. The other guy had been there for 10 years. I basically figured I was stuck (yet again) in a dead-end job, albeit one that gave me good experience and actual clips.

It's one of those jobs where people don't generally stay that long because the pay sucks and there's no mobility. I, of course, have been there for 4 years, long past the sell-by date for this particular job. Why? Basically it all boils down to inertia, low self-esteem and laziness, not necessarily in that order.

I actually started grad school because I figured it would be an easy (!) way to get a better job when I had a shiny new degree. Plus, I like school. And it's free (thank you U.S. Army!).

I've toyed around with getting a new job, but never really seriously, what with that inertia and all. Now that I'm in school, the choice becomes continue part-time grad school, which could take years and years at my present rate. Or get a better-paying job that may not be flexible enough to accomodate even part-time school. I pretty much decided this job is going nowhere and was planning on going full-time school in the fall.

Did I mention that I'm extremely ambivalent about grad school and not entirely sure if the direction I'm taking is one I actually want to go? No? Well, yeah, that too.

So what happens? The 10-year guy up and quits! I certainly didn't see that coming! After waiting what seems like a respectable amount of time, I mention to my immediate supervisor that I'm interested in 10-year guy's position, as if that wouldn't be obvious.

Apparently it wasn't obvious at all because shortly after that, I'm told that they aren't going to fill that position at it's current level. They are going to bump it down from a semi-mangement position to another crap job like mine. I say fine, the title is somewhat irrelevant, I really just want a pay raise. I get an 'oh, well we'll see about that' and then silence.

Later on the powers-that-be announce they aren't going to fill that position, making this a two-man department. No mention is made of giving me a pay raise. Then we have a department-wide meeting saying that revenue is in the toilet and we'd better be careful about money. I guess I have my answer.

Granted, I haven't said anything since about getting a raise, and I guess I should, but I know they are just going to give me some bullshit response and I really don't want to have to deal with that.

The DH thinks I should quit right now and find a better job -- screw 'em. It obviously hasn't occured to them to reward loyalty or even try to hold on to me. He's upset that I haven't marched in there and demanded a raise. And he's right; I haven't done it cuz I'm a chicken. Pitiful, right?

I really just don't have the energy to fight. But I'll wait forever if I wait for them to do what's right.

My options feel very limited, even though they really aren't. Every move seems full of negatives. Grad school full time? Sure, but that would mean even less money and probably more debt. New job? Sure, but I'd probably have to give up grad school; 1.5 years down the drain.

For the first time, staying put isn't really an option. Even if by some miracle they did offer me a substantial raise, I'm not sure I want to stay. I am past that sell-by date after all.

I'm terrible at making decisions, and even worse under pressure.

Well, it's getting late. Time for me to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for a while...

What makes me like TV on the Radio even more

Thanks to the blokes at the AP, I just found this free song from TV on the Radio called "Dry Drunk Emperor."

It's about the government's mangling of Katrina response. It's also a damn fine song.

On Not Becoming Bitter

Due to some recent drama wherein I feel very under appreciated (and not sure I am able to bring about some sort of constructive change) I find myself slowly becoming bitter at work.

The worse part is a) I'm partly to blame and b) I feel like I have a duty to see it through, even though I'm not entirely sure what "it" is.

This misplaced sense of duty will be the death of me yet.

Due to the above underappreciation, it's (fairly) clear that my employers don't feel any such duty towards me, but I feel bad about leaving certain individuals 'in the lurch.' Not the corporation, mind you, but the people I actually work with (even if they share some of the blame).

It's too hard trying to be all oblique about everything, so maybe I'll post more later (maybe not).

(sigh) I guess this is how bitter old age starts.

The 'I'm Doing this for You' Friday Random 10

Even though I am *extremely* busy, I am doing this FRT because I really
do care.

1. The Clash -- This is Radio Clash
Did I say 'Magnificent Seven' was my favorite Clash song? I was wrong.
This is.

2. Elvis Costello -- Watching the Detectives
Though "Allison" was the first EC song I ever heard (of course) this
was the one that made me go, 'Hey, this Elvis Costello guy is pretty
good.'

3. Pizzicato Five -- Magic Carpet Ride
There are songs I really, really like on the "Made in USA" disc. This
isn't one of them, unfortunately. And no, it's not a Steppenwolf
remake.

4. Gary Numan -- Listen to My Voice
In the days of Napster, I downloaded the entire playlist of a
(now-defunct) Internet radio station that used to be a really cool
over-the-air station. This was one of those songs, but what can I say?
It's no "Cars."

5. Eleni Mandell -- Pauline
Ironically enough, this song also came from the above playlist. I like
this one much, much better. Even though it's kind of mean, but I guess
that's okay.

6. Travis -- Sing
Though I wasn't all that impressed by the rest of the album, and the
video kinda sucked, I think this is a wonderful song. But then I'm a
sucker for a banjo. And any song that tells me to sing.

7. Fiona Apple --The Child is Gone
Though I really, really like some of FA's songs, others don't do
anything for me. This is one of the latter, I'm afraid. Not bad, but
nothing to write home about.

8. Goldfinger -- Just Like Heaven
Yes, this is a cover of The Cure song. And yes, it's surprisingly good.

9. Jack Johnson -- Bob Marley/Sublime Medley
Let me state for the record that I am categorically underwhelmed by
Jack Johnson. By everything he's ever done. Including this. The DH, on
the other hand, loves him, which is why this is here.

10. Outkast -- Good Day, Good Sir
You know, this trend of putting skits on rap albums is sooo old. The
first time you hear it, it's cute, or funny or whatever. The 10th time?
Maddening. The 25th time? Makes you want to kill, or at least take a
hostage? This one defies that rule (sort of); it's still somewhat
amusing.

Attention

I have found my purpose.

It is putting all of my music on my mp3 player. Who'd have thought it would be so simple?

The best part? If I play my cards right, I may never. be. finished.

Hot mess

I started this long elaborate email detailing the many ways this day
has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

But then I decided to scrap it.

It's really not worth going into and I don't want to prolong the agony.

After all, tomorrow is anothah day...

Sick of Being Sick

I'm still sick.

You've got to understand that when I say I never get sick, I really *never* get sick. The most I get are allergies. They are bad enough, but they are unavoidable, I suppose.

The DH usually gets one illness a year where he is down for the count for a couple of days. I, of course, always take the time to point out to him that I *never* get sick and highlight all his unhealthy habits (which aren't that many, to be honest; less than mine). Only after he starts feeling better, of course.

So is my current wogginess just delayed karma? Perhaps. I'm much better, but still only about 80-85 percent. I find myself getting run down very easily, my voice is still husky (though one of my coworkers told me now it sounds 'sexy,' so I guess I shouldn't complain) and just feel kinda crappy. I think the bronchitis (or whatever it is/was) has merged with the allergies and perhaps PMS to form some new monster.

Or maybe it's bird flu.

Notes from work

Compliment.

Complement.

They mean two different things. They really do.