Reason #42 Why I Can't Sleep

I've complained before about my job, but now I'm being forced to confront certain things and I don't know what to do.

Up until now, I worked in a three-person department. The guy in charge of the department has been there for nearly 20 years. The other guy had been there for 10 years. I basically figured I was stuck (yet again) in a dead-end job, albeit one that gave me good experience and actual clips.

It's one of those jobs where people don't generally stay that long because the pay sucks and there's no mobility. I, of course, have been there for 4 years, long past the sell-by date for this particular job. Why? Basically it all boils down to inertia, low self-esteem and laziness, not necessarily in that order.

I actually started grad school because I figured it would be an easy (!) way to get a better job when I had a shiny new degree. Plus, I like school. And it's free (thank you U.S. Army!).

I've toyed around with getting a new job, but never really seriously, what with that inertia and all. Now that I'm in school, the choice becomes continue part-time grad school, which could take years and years at my present rate. Or get a better-paying job that may not be flexible enough to accomodate even part-time school. I pretty much decided this job is going nowhere and was planning on going full-time school in the fall.

Did I mention that I'm extremely ambivalent about grad school and not entirely sure if the direction I'm taking is one I actually want to go? No? Well, yeah, that too.

So what happens? The 10-year guy up and quits! I certainly didn't see that coming! After waiting what seems like a respectable amount of time, I mention to my immediate supervisor that I'm interested in 10-year guy's position, as if that wouldn't be obvious.

Apparently it wasn't obvious at all because shortly after that, I'm told that they aren't going to fill that position at it's current level. They are going to bump it down from a semi-mangement position to another crap job like mine. I say fine, the title is somewhat irrelevant, I really just want a pay raise. I get an 'oh, well we'll see about that' and then silence.

Later on the powers-that-be announce they aren't going to fill that position, making this a two-man department. No mention is made of giving me a pay raise. Then we have a department-wide meeting saying that revenue is in the toilet and we'd better be careful about money. I guess I have my answer.

Granted, I haven't said anything since about getting a raise, and I guess I should, but I know they are just going to give me some bullshit response and I really don't want to have to deal with that.

The DH thinks I should quit right now and find a better job -- screw 'em. It obviously hasn't occured to them to reward loyalty or even try to hold on to me. He's upset that I haven't marched in there and demanded a raise. And he's right; I haven't done it cuz I'm a chicken. Pitiful, right?

I really just don't have the energy to fight. But I'll wait forever if I wait for them to do what's right.

My options feel very limited, even though they really aren't. Every move seems full of negatives. Grad school full time? Sure, but that would mean even less money and probably more debt. New job? Sure, but I'd probably have to give up grad school; 1.5 years down the drain.

For the first time, staying put isn't really an option. Even if by some miracle they did offer me a substantial raise, I'm not sure I want to stay. I am past that sell-by date after all.

I'm terrible at making decisions, and even worse under pressure.

Well, it's getting late. Time for me to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for a while...