I'm lazy...

And unmotivated. It's a sad combination.

I need a new job. Well, that's not entirely true. I need to make more money. But I'm not going to make the kind of money I want to make at my present job, hence the whole need-a-new-job thing.

The problem?

I hate, hate, hate looking for work. I'm sure nobody likes job hunting, and of course I'm happy that I even have a job and a steady paycheck, blah, blah, blah

But...

I *really* hate looking for work. I hate updating my resume. I hate tailoring it to fit jobs that I don't really want. I hate lying to my current employer on the off chance that I get an interview. I hate pretending that there's nothing on earth I'd rather do than sell my time to company A to improve their profits or help them get the word out about their particular brand of crap. I hate trying to find available jobs. I hate trying to make a good impression or make myself stand out from the crowd. I hate the phony enthusiasm. I hate being judged. I hate trying to distill my value into a page worth of single-spaced, specially worded happy horseshit. I hate all of that.

The problem is that I really don't want to work. Who does? I want to do what I want to do, yet not have to worry about who is going to feed, clothe and house me. Not to mention keep me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed (ha!).

But the next question is, of course: what do i want to do? If there's a grand question in my life, it's this: What the hell do I want, anyway? What makes me happy?

Is it weird/pathetic/pathological to honestly have no idea how to answer?

Job hunting makes me confront -- again -- the sad fact that I am an aimless 30-something stuck in a dead-end job with no real goals or vision for the future.

If you think that *sounds* sad and pathetic, try living it.