What do I get for just showing up?

I had real great plans for my triumphant return to my blog. But, alas! Now that I'm here, sitting at the computer, I don't really feel like it. I don't feel like trying to be creative or clever or witty or interesting -- not that I am those things normally, but especially not at this moment.

Oh, well. There's always tomorrow.

The DH is currently watching the sanitized, AMC version of 'Apocalypse Now.' I am not. It's not that I don't want to watch it, it's just that I don't want to watch it. Part of it is because I have to get up early and go to work tomorrow, so I don't want to get started watching this long (3+ hours?) movie.

The other part is that I saw the movie not too long after it came out (on video) as a kid and it kinda scarred me for life. There was no way my dad should've let me watch it. I was pretty young, 8 or 9 maybe. The only thing I remember about the movie is the bull-hacking scene that totally freaked me out. It was pretty graphic (I think I read somewhere they filmed an actual animal sacrifice) and I think I could tell. It definitely wasn't 'moviefied,' even if it was staged.

That's the only real memory I have of the movie. I don't want to re-watch it partly because I don't want to witness the bull death again, and part of it is 'cuz I don't want to ruin my memory of it. It's a pretty vivid memory (the horror, the horror!); one of the few I have where I can sort of still feel what I felt at the time.

Once I watch the movie again, it'll obscure my original memory, my original feelings. At least that's what I'm afraid of. It won't have the original impact anymore.

It seems like I spend so much of my life kind of numb and out of it. No, I *do* spend most of life kind of numb. It seems a shame to erase real feelings, even if they're only remembered ones.