But I'm feeling much better now

My little bout of sturm und drang was only temporary. It started to get better after work (hmmm), though it's not like I'm giddy now or anything.

It's nearly midnight, and there's a bird singing his little heart out outside my window. I actually don't mind. We get so little exposure to nature out here in the 'burbs that it's nice to hear.

I think it's a mockingbird of some sort. I read that the males will sing all day and night until they mate. I've been hearing this particular bird for a few days now, but I guess soon he'll find a mate and there'll be no more singing. I suppose that means I should enjoy it while it lasts.

There's a message in there somewhere, isn't there?

Mel N. Collie

I was feeling better this morning (believe it or not, I think yesterday's blog-n-quiz frenzy actually helped), but now I'm back to feeling a little melancholy.

Why?

Who knows? Why not?

I'm locked in this eternal battle between who I am and who I want to be. How much of my wanting to be more outgoing, empathetic, confident, etc. is sort of a pathetic lost cause, like wanting to be taller or better looking, and how much of it is it actually worthy of the effort?

How much of myself do I really want change, anyway? Maybe I should spend more time trying to accept myself instead of change myself.

Or maybe that's just a cop-out. It seems like my whole life up until this point has been a cop-out. It has to be. Is this it? I mean, really? 14 years of school, and counting. 4 years in the Army. 7 years of marriage. 6 years in a thankless job all adds up to this moment in time? Me, sitting in front of a computer vaguely depressed, avoiding work because I don't feel appreciated, very little to look forward to, much to dread?

Man, if I felt gloomy before, now I'm really miserable!

That's a joke.

The 'Hey, this is still fun' Friday Random Ten

I've been totally slacking on my FRTs lately so, without further ado...

1. Pete Townsend -- Save it for Later
A very fine remake of a very fine English Beat song. Though I still can't tell you what it's about.

2. Prodigy -- Charly
This was my first Prodigy song, one that I heard way back in my college days. I think they used to listen to this sort of thing at what the kids called a 'Rave' back then.

3. The Faces -- Ooh La La
Everyone's favorite Faces song. I didn't really know much about it until the "Rushmore" soundtrack. Who *doesn't* wish they knew then what they know now?

4. Outkast -- Pink and Blue
From Andre 3000's half of the set, "The Love Below." The more time that elapses between the time I first heard this CD, the less impressed I am with his stuff, though I don't think I was ever that 'into' this song.

5. The Beta Band -- Pure For
Man, I really like The Beta Band. Too bad they broke up just as I was discovering them...

6. The Beta Band -- Easy
Well, I'm not the only one who likes TBB. Apparently the gods of randomness are pretty fond of them as well...

7. Bloc Party -- Price of Gas
I used to think this whole '80s revival thing was kind of cute, but now it's kind of creeping me out. New Wave music wasn't really all that great, in retrospect. Not to say that I don't like Bloc Party, but I can't listen long. This song's pretty good, tho.

8. The Stroks -- Red Light
Not one of the best songs off their latest, but not one of the worst, either.

9. Radiohead -- Climbing Up the Walls
What is there to say about "OK Computer" that hasn't already been said? It's fantastic, everyone should own at least one copy.

10. Kanye West -- Breathe In Breathe Out
Say what you will about KW, he *does* have a sense of humor sometimes.
So does Ludacris.

One more. I couldn't resist.

Your 2005 Song Is

Feel Good Inc by Gorillaz "Love forever love is free. Let's turn forever you and me." In 2005, you were loving life and feeling no pain.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

This is ironic because after my book post I intented to do a Best-Album-I-Heard-in-'05 post but I never got around to it.

Of course, my best album was going to be the Gorillaz' "Demon Days."

My second favorite album of last year? LCD Soundsystem, of course.

I was just discussing with someone

How I don't really like poetry...

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways. And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery... Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever. You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Oh, well. I suppose you can't argue with destiny...

New

I've been in kind of a weird, crappy mood and haven't really felt like doing anything lately, especially blogging. Plus, I don't really have much to say. No, I just don't feel like saying it. I should probably take a bath or something.

Looks Just Like Me

Don'cha think?

Perfect -er

Did i mention that I slept horribly last night because the sound of crashing thunder kept waking me up?

Or the fact that it is ridiculously cold in this office?

Perfect

Well, this has been a perfectly shitty day so far.

First, it took me an hour and a half to get to work this morning, a trip that should take 45 minutes. Of course that means I was nearly 30 minutes late for work.

Then I get to work only to discover there's no sugar for the coffee. It's not *that* big a deal, I know. I just despise unsweetened coffee and it's just emblematic of the day as it's shaped up so far. Luckily a co-worker alerted me to the fact that there were a few hidden sugar packets. Another coworker let me have some of her stash of flavored creamer, so all was not lost.

Then my supervisor 'noticed' that he didn't like my work a full four days *after* he said he liked it when I first asked his opinion. If this wasn't his modus operandi, it wouldn't bother me so much. But it is and it does.

And the employee cantina, which makes the best roast beef sandwiches ever, was out of roast beef. I had to make do with a serviceable turkey sandwich.

To top it off, I just discovered I can make more money working for the Census than I do here. I'm talking $100 bucks a week more, after taxes. This job is just so thankless; I am seriously considering going for the census job. I have absolutely nothing to lose.

The bitterness grows...

Batteries

I forgot to plug in my mp3 player last night so my batteries just died.

Work is exponentially less interesting when you don't have your own personal soundtrack. It's much quieter, at any rate. Man, I don't know how I did it before.

On Regret

Do you ever look back on your life, or on a certain event in your life, and begin to realize how much promise you had then? How much promise the future held and how blind you were to it? And how little the future seems to hold now in comparison?

It seems so cruel, so unfair, that you can only realize how wide open the world is to you in retrospect. All part of the great cosmic joke, I guess.

What brings all this on, you ask? Well, for some reason I started thinking about the Tibetan Freedom Concert, the one that took place in San Fran in '96. I was there and I have such fond memories of it. It was a beautiful day, I was among friends, the music was good, the vibe was great, I was young, I was in San Francisco. What else can you ask for?

The really scary part is that one day I could be looking back on this moment, with my crappy job and broke ass, thinking, 'God, why couldn't I see how great I really had it?'

Bah, the bitterness grows...

Gray

I am going gray with a vengeance. It seems like every time I look at myself in the mirror I see more and more gray hairs.

When I found my first gray hair, at the ripe old age of 29, I was sort of horrified. 'But I'm only 29,' I cried (I think, 'But I'm only (insert age here) will be the rallying cry for the rest of my 30s, if not the rest of my life).

Then I moved past denial into acceptance. Now I'm firmly back in
denial. One or two gray hairs is kinda cool and sexy and distinguished.
A new one every time you look is just disturbing.

Don't get me wrong, I think a head full of gray, ahem silver, hair is gorgeous. I can see the road there is going to be a long one for me, though.

I never thought I'd consider dying my hair, and now I am. Considering
it, I mean. I don't think I will, but, eh, who knows?

Spring

We are in the midst of one of those beautiful spring days (even though spring hasn't officially sprung yet) where you can actually open the windows and still be comfortable.

That happens so rarely around here, I feel like it's worth a mention. In two weeks, we'll probably be putting the AC on.

Seriously, I've had to turn it on in the car once or twice already.

Last to Know

Once again, I'm sure I'm the last to discover this, but the DH just turned me on to Shoutcast, free Internet radio affiliated with Winamp (I think).

I've given Internet radio a try before and I've never been really that impressed. It's usually not something I want to listen to for very long.

I spent this whole evening working on my paper and listening to a few stations on Shoutcast (mostly ambient stuff. good for studying and drowning out other sounds) and didn't get tired or annoyed with it. I listened to Shoutcast all night instead of putting in a CD. For me that's really saying something.

So go, listen to Shoutcast.

The 'Mediocrity -- It's Okay' Friday Random Ten

I've been slacking off the past couple of weeks with the Friday Random
10, so here it is. Enjoy!

1. The Bangles -- Following
I was never what you'd call a huge Bangles fan, but once I bought their
greatest hits, I discovered they made a lot of very good songs. Like
this one.

2. Velvet Rope -- Janet Jackson
When I was living in Korea, I was very, very desperate for new music. I
bought JJ's 'Velvet Rope' album on the strength of 'Got Til it's Gone,'
but unfortunately the album was filled with mediocre songs like this
one.

3. Ride -- Puya
This is from one of my 2001 CMJ discs. A lot of the older CMJs have
songs that don't hold up well, but this isn't one of them. This one
still rocks.

4. Juliana Hatfield -- Everybody Loves Me
I somehow managed to miss most of the indie JH craze (?) of the early
'90s so I didn't discover this song until years later. It's very good.

5. XTC -- The Disappointed
I don't know how anyone can not like XTC.

6. Meat Beat Manifesto -- Prime Audio Soup
From 'The Matrix' soundtrack; it's okay.

7. Kanye West with Mos Def, et al -- Two Words
From KW's first album. One of my least favorite songs on what is a very
good album.

8. Dinosaur Jr. -- Yeah Right
I also missed the Dino Jr. bandwagon, but he too has some good songs I
am only recently discovering. Like this one.

9. Elvis Costello -- Good Year for the Roses
EC at his most maudlin (and country-tinged); one of my least fav songs
of his

10. Outkast -- She Lives in my Lap
Rosario Dawson or no, this song is kind of 'meh,' though I liked the
album a lot. And what the hell does 'she lives in my lap' mean? In the
context of this song, of course.

Hooky

Well, I played hooky today. Sort of.

I did skip class, but I still went to work.

Leave it to me to even half-ass goofing off. Oh, well. I needed (and need) a break.

Hmm. Maybe I'll skip the *whole* day tomorrow.

Wikiquote

I just discovered Wikiquote .
Oooh, I just love quotes and quotes of the day.

I guess one day, if I ever figure out HTML, I'll put a link to it somewhere on the sidebar (as soon as I figure out how to make a sidebar).

Many thanks to the Koonj blog for the heads up.